Sarah Smile!

Ok,so I told you last week about Adrian's new foster daughter,Sarah. She is a very bright and beautiful 3 year old sweetheart. She comes to the office every day and we all are in love with her! She has big blue eyes and long curly blond hair. She is so full of love and is such a joy to be around.

The great state hasn't sent her paperwork to the day care center so until they do she spends her days with all of us here in the office. So many new aunties to spoil her doncha know!

I gave her a little Christmas snowglobe on Monday and she was so excited to get it. I swear she acts like nobody ever gave her anything. She took it and her eyes got bigger and she said "Oh my! For me? To keep forever?" Well, don't you know that I have given her something each and every day since then!Tuesday, I gave her a little nativity set with all the main players,animals, and an angel to boot. She was so happy to get it she hugged my neck hard. I asked her if she knew who Jesus was and she said no! Y'all, she don't know who baby Jesus is! I almost cried right then and there! But, I told her daddy Adrian would tell her the story of Baby Jesus when they got home and she was so happy to hear this she told him take me home now! LOL!

Yesterday, her social worker took her to see her mom in jail. Whatever! She was very upset afterwards and soiled her pants and cried and cried first for mommy then for Adrian. I felt so bad for her. We all did!

Her baby brother is still in hospital with hydro cephalic brain syndrome now. That is a fancy word for he is a waterhead baby! They are going to have to put a shunt in his head to get the fluid off. Poor guy! Adrian brought pictures of him and he is adorable as well.He goes to the hospital every day to see him and hold him!

I think I already told you that the parents took him to the hospital because of a bad diaper rash that had literally burned his skin- 2nd and 3rd degree burns, and that was when they found he had a skull fracture and several old fractures of his body too. He is 2 months old! 2months old! Both parents are in jail now because of the kids! I hate them so much and have never even laid eyes on them!

I cannot wait for Christmas this year! I have already ordered her a beautiful Corolle Les Charies Doll named Camille. She is a ballerina. Do you know how hard it is to find a beautiful doll for 3 year old girl? I had to sort and sift through all manner of Bratz,Barbies, Cabbage Patches, and even a Strawberry Shortcake or two!Then there are the porcelain and collectable dolls! I had no idea! I am going to get her some Disney princess DVDs and a tea set too! I had given her a tiny little tea set one of the first days I saw her and she carries it in her purse! Very special indeed! I love spoiling her! I figure she has had enough bad things happen in her little lifetime that if I can make her happy then I certainly will indeed!

She is asleep on a pallet in my office right this very minute! She said she was not sleepy but I asked her to just lay there and rest and she agreed. About 1 minute later she was conked out! How sweet! I have some pictures of her and I will try to get my camera to download so I can post them and you can see for yourself how beautiful she is!

Hey Gang I,m Back!

I hope everyone out in blogland had a great Thanksgiving! I went to see my family in Fort Worth/Dallas area.I left here early that morning and got there just in time for it to start snowing! It snowed hard for about an hour but it was too warm for the flakes to stick but it was quite impressive. They were the biggest flakes I have ever seen!

I did some pigging out too. My mom makes the best pecan pie and banana pudding in the world and her dressing is to die for too! Needless to say I was back on the diet wagon by the weekend. I am not used to eating that way and believe it or not my knees hurt much worse when I have sugar in my body! Wah!

Dooley went with me and he is a great travelling weenie! He was well behaved as well. My evil stepfather tried to be mean to him but even he couldn't keep my weenie down! Haha! I spent the night in Dallas at my cousin Tammie's house. She is going through bad divorce and she was a bit of a downer but I love her and will be there for her when she needs me.

The weather sucked(rainy and cold) but I did manage to get some shopping in. I have now bought almost half of my Christmas presents! Yea Me! Not much else to report.

Got the tree put up this week. It is so pretty.I love all my ornaments! I am all about the bling! I have a fiber optic tree. I am allergic to the real ones. I am getting into the spirit this year too. Last year I was not so much but I am feeling it this year. I think it should be like leap year and only come around once every 4 years! I am planning on working Christmas day(double time) but have plans to meet some friends at a swanky hotel downtown for a champagne brunch! Yummy!How about you? Any plans made yet?

Kids and Dogs

My dear friend Lewis, who almost died 2 years ago from the AIDS is doing so much better now I thank God every day. Anyways, he has a little brown and white speckled weenie(he looks like a cow) named Mork. Anyways, they live in an apartment. Lewis had told me about a month ago that Mork was not happy living alone and being alone in the apartment 12-14 hours a day and was actually becoming destructive in his demeanor. He chewed a hole through the wall of the kitchen! He was very upset and said he had to give him up. He asked me to take him. He is 10 months old and is Dooley's half brother in fact. So, of course, I said yes!

He brought him over to the house Saturday was a week ago now. He is a sweet loving little guy and very smart too. He is house trained and loves to cuddle. He and Dooley get along like a house afire. Except that he is not "fixed" and wants to hump Dooley like nonstop! Dooley, of course, does not like any of that and so they fight. Mork is the dominant one so poor Dooley gets beat up a lot. I thought this would settle down after a period of adjustment and I even made an appointment with the vet to get Mork neutered after Thanksgiving.

Sunday morning everything changed. Dooley and Mork were rough housing as always when I heard this blood curdling scream. It was Dooley and Mork had gotten ahold of his little nose and bit down. Now Dooley has 4 deep gashes in his nose and hunk out of the tip of it where Mork bit him. Poor Dooley! Well, now I start looking at poor Dooley and he is tore up from the floor up. He has scrapes and scratches all over his little weenie body! I felt so bad for him!

I thought about it all night and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning I had made the decision that Mork had to go. I love him really I do but Dooley is my main man and he is suffering too much from this. I told Lewis it was not working out and that he would need to take him back. I thought he would be like all -oh I miss him and wanted him back anyways but it was more like-great well maybe I can sell him and get some of my money back that I have put out on him!

Well, that upset me to no end! Having been a person who was unwanted and unloved I would never wish that on anyone or thing for that matter. So, I called all my friends to see if someone wanted Mork. I called all my relatives too. Everyone was sympathetic but no takers. I called my friend Nancy who raises weenies and was who Lewis got Mork from to see if she had any ideas.

She called me back and said she had another nurse friend who lives outside of San Antonio who wanted him. I talked with the lady,Cindy is her name last night and emailed her pictures of him. She also has one of his sisters . She and her husband raise them and she told me her children are all grown and the dogs are now the kids in the house. She said she just built a new kennel but that since he is house trained he will probably stay in the house with them! Yea, Mork!

So, she wanted to come and get him last night but we settled on this evening. Her and her husband will drive up from SA to get him. My cousin gets home before me so he will probably be gone when I get home! I am sad to see him go but glad he will be able to hump away and make some babies even!

But, here is the thing... I told Lewis I was giving him to a relative. I don't know why I just did. I mean, really he is my dog now so I can do what ever but I feel like if he knew he went to this lady he would want money for him and I am just happy to place him with a loving family. Am I wrong??

On the kid front, my friend and co-worker, Adrian, owner of the original weenie, Akasha, the red weenie, is a foster parent. He and his partner Patrick, and their roomie, Dwayne have had a little boy Caden, who is now 7 months old. He is so sweet and they are such good parents.

Anyways, yesterday Adrian says I have a surprise for you and he brings this precious little 3 year old girl into my office. She is adorable. She has big blue eyes and blond hair and was dressed so cute! She is shy and at first didn't want to have anything to do with me.

But, I have a goody drawer in my office full of toys for girls and boys. Mostly junk from the $ store but I have learned that with kids it is quantity not quality they enjoy. So after a little coaxing she finally went to the drawer and picked out something. I got a hug out of it.

When I went to hug her I noticed she has bruises on the backs of both arms. Faint old bruises. I said as much to Adrian. He said to me" those are not the worst bruises". Apparently, she has been abused both physically and sexually by her father.

In fact, she has 2 brothers, one 5 and the other 2 months. The 5 year old is living with another foster family about 5 miles ways from Adrian and so he has set it up so that they will both go to the same day care every day so they can see one another at least. The 2 month old will come to live with Adrian after he gets out of the hospital. Yep, he is there with a skull fracture and I think he said a fractured leg as well.I about cried my eyes out after they left my office!

He told me she flinches whenever he moves, like to put his arm around her or even on the back of the couch if they are sitting there watching TV. She is so used to being hit for no reason I guess. He had trouble bathing her as well and said she finally let him bathe her after sitting her down and telling her she was safe in his house.

He told her that in his house no one ever hits anyone else ever for any reason at all.If she misbehaves she will sit in time out and he showed her the chair for this. He told her time out is 3 minutes and quiet time. He also told her that he would never try to do anything to her so when he bathes her he doing just that, bathing nothing more. She is warming up to him and this is good considering she came to him last Saturday night after midnight.

What a great person he is. So full of love and ready to help out when ever needed. I have really come to respect him. I am so in love with this little girl too. I cannot wait till Christmas! I am so buying her all the princess stuff I can find.

She was in here in my office this morning and she was playing with this little snow globe I have with Cinderella in it. Her eyes were so wide and she looked at me and said she loved Cinderella! Me too! I am so spending Christmas day at their house. I already invited myself! HAHA! I just got to get past wanting to cry every time I see her!

New Rules From George Carlin

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and press ing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on c rappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After the guy zips up, some guy is offering him a towel and a mint like he just had sex with George Michael. Is he really supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

I love the Job It's the People I hate!

Conversation between myself and the daughter of a new patient this morning;
Me: Good morning, this is Mary. How can I help you?
Ms. Thang:Yes, Hello I am Mr. Oldfart's daughter.I need to speak with you about the nurse who came out to see my daddy yesterday.
Me: Ok ma'm. Tell me what's going on.
Ms. Thang: Yes, I don't want her coming back out here.
Me: Ok, may I ask why?
Ms.Thang: Well, I just wasn't very impressed with her is all.
Me: Was she inappropriate?
Ms. Thang: No, she was very polite and professional.
Me: Was your father not happy with her visit then?
Ms Thang: No, Daddy liked her good enough I guess.
Me: Ok, well what seems to be the problem?
Ms. Thang: Well, she didn't have the right address for one thing.She called here twice to get directions to the house.
Me: Well, Ms. Thang she is a visiting nurse and she does need to know how to get to someone's house to visit them
Ms. Thang: Well, I know that but I just feel like it was poor planning on her part. She should have had the correct address.
Me: Well, ma'm the address she had was the address the discharge planner at the hospital gave us.If she had the wrong address it was because that was the address on the chart.
Ms. Thang: Well, I understand that and all but then she had to call me twice before she could figure out how to get here. Don't you think that is a little excessive?
Me: I am not sure I do. I mean, if she needed to get to your house where your father is and she didn't know how to get there and she is in her car without the benefit of a map or computer to aid her, then it is appropriate for her to call you to ask for directions.
Ms.Thang:Really? Because I am of the mind that she should know her way around town. You know, I used to do home health 20 years ago and I always knew my way around town.
Me: Yes, ma'm. Well, that nurse has only lived here in Austin for 1 year so she is not as familiar with the town as say someone who has lived here a long time.
Ms. Thang: Exactly! I would like for you to send someone out here who is familiar with this area.And also, the little mexican man you sent out here to bath him is too small. My daddy is a big man. he stands over 6 foot tall in his stocking feet and weighs over 200 pounds. He needs someone height and weight proportionate.
Me: Ma'm, I do not have a home health aide that is 6 foot tall weighing over 200 pounds. Francisco is very capable of bathing you father. he is used to working with all types of patients.
Ms. Thang: Well, another thing is he called here this morning and said he wanted to come over after lunch. I need a more specific time. He just said he would be here between 12-1:30 pm.
Me: That is pretty specific. We never give any of our clients a set time for our arrival.We can never know the flow of traffic or how the patient we see before we see you is going to be. We give everyone a window of time usually between 1-2 hour period.
Ms.Thang: Oh, I can tell we are not on the same page here. You do realize that I have other things to do than sit around waiting for someone to show all day!
Me: Ma'm I can try to work with you to make you happy. Let me talk with the scheduler to see if we can find the right staff members to assist your dad at the house.
Ms.Thang:Yea, you can try, we'll see what happens.
Click-dead phone line

Acroos The Universe

I saw this movie last night and it was incredible!It is a musical with all Beatles songs.I loved the cast too. The lead guy was an Englishman that was way cute too! Bono and Joe Cocker along with Eddy Izzard were in there as well. I want to see it again in fact.

I was 10 years old in 1967 and so I remember the Vietnam war vividly. We watched the war every evening while eating dinner. I remember being in the 10th grade when they started bringing the guys back home. I had a POW bracelet that I wore for 3 years. My friend Connie and I both had one. Her POW came home and years later we found him adn she gave the bracelet to him. he was very sedate and I remember her being a little dissappointed thinking he should have been more friendly. I guess looking back he was just fucked up in the head like most everyone who came back from over there. My POW never returned. I still have the bracelet and I looked for his name on the Vietnam memorial wall but he wasn't there either. James Elmo Powell.

Anyways, the movie is set in the late 60's early 70's era. I love the look of that time. I was so enamoured by the whole hippie movement. For those of you who are too young to remember those days.It was something else I tell ya. See back then, we had the draft and no one was exempt that I knew. Plus, if you got busted with weed back then you had 2 choices, go to jail for life or go to Vietnam.The war dragged on for what seemed ever. The turning of tide to renounce the war and get of Vietnam was done by the youth of America. I am talking about the hippies. The young kids and college students of the day made so much noise and would not back down even in the face of violence from our own militia they stood firm and protested the war. In fact, in Ohio the National Guard killed several students who were peacefully demonstrating the war. Yes, right here in our own country. There was much unrest in the entire nation.

Thinking about it I feel that is is once again time for the youth of the country to stand up and show this country that the war is wrong and we need to stop NOW !But, somehow, I feel that they are too busy with their IPODS, cell phones, and virtual realities to make a difference like we did so many years ago. But then again, I could be wrong. Prove me wrong!

MondayMonday!

Well, another weekend has come and gone. I didn't make it to the play as planned on Friday because I ended up spending too much time at work! I was not a happy camper either because everyone else abandoned me and left on time but no one to help me get out of here! GRRR! Oh well, I am sure she was great in it!

I did get the little doggie on Saturday. he is so cute. He is 10 months old. A chocolate piebald is what they call him. He is brown and white spotted. I did take pictures of him and Dooley this weekend. Dooley is warming up to him. he hasn't been fixed and he wants to fuck any and everyone much to the chagrin of all the other dogs! But especially Dooley. he had to lay down the law to him and by yesterday the humping was still going on but much less so.He had a bad first night and none of us slept too well. But last night he went to bed at the last call and slept right next to me all night. This morning when my cousin came in to take her shower he woke up barked at her when she came out but then hopped out of bed to go outside. Dooley's a late sleeper and never gets up until I am ready to leave the bedroom!I fed and watered the dogs as usual this morning and then when I went to lock the slider,Mork was standing there looking at me like,what now? Hopefully he will be OK today in the back yard! I have an appt. to have him neutered on the 26th of this month. I would have liked to have it done before then but it is what it is.

Linda, my cousin, thinks this is too many dogs to have in the house. I said, well, there is your cocker spaniel who is blind,deaf, and demented. She has to stay in the house and I don't see you putting her down any time soon. Then there are the 2 big dogs who have been here 10 years and they are not about to stay outside. Then there is Dooley who is the king of the dogs and he sure as hell ain't staying outside. That just leaves Mork who is potty trained and will also be in here so there you have it. I agree 5 dogs is a lot to have in the house but it is what it is! Nuff said! I cannot choose any of them to be outside dogs.I have dogs because I love them. Why would I make them stay outside?

I have to get back to the "W". I am however going to the store for lunch to get Mork a new collar. He is gonna get a UT Longhorn collar. Dooley sports a Dallas Cowboys collar so my boys will be flying their colors so to speak! I will post some photos as soon as I can figure out why my pictures are not downloading to the computer. I suspect a faulty cable!

Hell yes It's friday!

I am so glad to be done with this week. It is not that I had a bad week I just am ready to not be here at the "W". I have a play to see tonight. My friend Jana's daughter,Kaylee(16) is in a play at her high school and I have to see her perform. Someday she will be famous and take care of me in my old age!

I just want you to know I got hit on this week by a 24 yr. old guy. What is up with that! He seems to be very horny and wants lots of sex with me! WHATEVER! Could ya not? How come I can't meet somenoen nice and normal. And before you go getting your panties in a wad, no I will not have sex with him. Oh, I thought about it... a lot in fact but ya know if I did that I know he would want to talk to me and then maybe plan on doing other things with me and I am not about to get involved with another young'un. Can i just get a man closer to my own age?

Anyhow, I am going to accquire another weenie dog! His name is Mork and he is a brown and white little guy. He belongs to my dear friend Lewis and he is sad at the thought of giving him up but he says he is never home and he lives in an apt. He is lonely and if he comes to stay by me he will have company. I told my cousin last night that we would be getting a dog to keep for a while. She asked how long a while was and I told her it was Lewis' dog. She knows he has AIDS and so she said ok. That was easier than I thought. I know once she meets him she will fall in love and that will be that! I am already gonna tell her she has to let him sleep with her because he sleeps with Lewis and I have Dooley in my bed! I know once that happens she will be a goner! LOL (evil laugh)

So, what do you have planned for the weekend? Something fun I hope! I am going to work Saturday morning a little bit for some Christmas money! I cannot believe it is so close now! I mean, when you make a list and think about the fact that you have to come up with money for gifts it seems way too close!

This is Cracker Soul!

Ok, so I had a great weekend! How about everyone else? I started the weekend out with a live music concert on Friday night! I went to this little club down off of Red River and 10th st. called the Mohawk. It is a small little place but the stage was outdoors like on a patio. They had 2 upper levels with seating around tables on the 2nd level and couches and easy chairs on the 3rd level.
I hauled my fat ass up to the 3rd level for comfort and a great view of the whole club! I went with Jana, her very inebreiated husband, Dale, Polly from Hobbs,New Mex., Trina from Naples, Fla., Madison, Polly's daughter, Gail, and Kaylee, Jana and Dale's teenage daughter who came with some of her teeenage friends, and last but not least Drew, a friend of Madison's who we all love to pieces. He is probably about 22-24 yrs old. Ok, so the girls, Polly, Jana, Gail, Madison, and Kaylee and crew all headed to the front of the stage to hang out. Dale, Trina, and Drew all joined me on the 3rd deck for relaxing and libations.
The first band came out and Dale was in fine form! He was up by the railing which was right over the band and he was dancing his little heart out and having a big old time, I tell ya! He gets a little gropy when he gets drunk and wants to pet on ya, so of course, he was petting on me. He likes my long hair and will twirl it around and rub my shoulders and tell me how much he loves me!Whatever! At least, we weren't in the pool! LOL!
He was so funny though because he was doing this dance where he would cast out his fishing line and then reel it back in! Madison was down there acting like the fish he was reeling in and he was pretty much entertaining the whole crowd since he was right there above the band like I said.
Anyways, when Cracker started to play he could not contain hiself and ran downstairs to be behind the "girls". Trina by this time was sacked out on one of the couches "resting". Drew went downstairs to the bathroom and now I am left up there on my own, so to speak, to take in what followed... now stay with me because remember, I can see everything and have been imbibing my own self.
I see Dale down there flouncing all over the place but now he is in the crowd some of which are not as happy or drunk as he is. He is falling all over them and this one guy has a camera in his hands and is attempting to take photos. He also has a girl with him who is getting a beating from Dale and his moshing abilities!
The guy says something to Dale. I assume asking him to calm down and let his girlfriend continue to stand there as well as himself. I see Dale screaming at this guy. Probably something obnoxious as drunks do. I see the guy flinch like he is afraid Dale is gonna smack him and then I see the girl go flying backwards after gettin the elbow from Dale. All on accident I think?
Anyways, the girls are still up front and are oblivious to the whole scene behind them. Then I see the crowd parting and here comes security to the front and the guy is talking to Dale who is now screaming at this little guy. He is a young guy with dreads and glasses. He is now trying without much luck to pull Dale thru the crowd! Dale is fighting him and another bigger guy, the bouncer steps in and puts Dale in a neck lock and drags him to the back! He drags Dale thru the crowd kicking and screaming.
One of kaylee's friends see this and tells Kaylee who goes running back to see what the deal is. She is told that her Dad is drunk and has to leave! She says everyone in here is drunk and why they gotta be picking on him! LOL! Then she runs back up front and tells Jana the deal and the look on Jana's face was priceless. It said I am so pissed off! This better be good!
I see her go outside to stand by Dale and talk to the bouncer who tells her he has to leave the premises. In the meantime he is still yelling and carrying on and a cop car pulls up. She tells him to calm down and asks the bouncer if she can go back in. He tells her yes and she comes back in and is up front again. Drew ,in the meantime, comes literally running upstairs hollering that Dale is going to jail. Trina in the meantime is asleep on the couch and gets rousted by the waiter to wake up. When she hears Dale is going to jail she gets up and runs downstairs to tell the gang who are still enjoying the concert! Little did she know the whole thing had just transpired. Gail then goes with Trina outside to find Dale and the 3 of them walk to Gail's car and bring it to park in front of the bar.
Trina gets carsick on the way and once they get back she pukes and then passes out on the hood of the car. Gail comes back in to the front of the stage and Dale stands in the street yelling "take some more pictures!" and "reggae redneck" to any and everyone.
At one point I did see him talking to a female cop who he later told me was hitting on him because she wanted his phone number. I asked him if she wanted to know where he lived too and he said she did! LOL!
I had about the most fun I have had in forever just watching the whole thing unfold! I kept waiting for Dale to get thrown in jail for PI or Trina to get hauled in too for the same reason but they were allowed to just be! Gotta love a weekend night full of drunks!
After the show we all piled into the cars to go back to Jana's house. I was laughing so hard all the way home listening to Dale's version of the events. Needless to say, Drew who had no idea what he was in store for now has a man crush on Dale. Why I don't know!
All I know is I had to leave at 1:30am because I had patients to see the next morning! I went by to see everyone Saturday afternoon but they were all drinking again and I was done with all of that! I had to go home to bathe and rest up! When I left Dale was telling Drew we don't tell stories, we make them!

Physical Fitness my ASS

I have been trying to lose weight so I decided to get myself a week's worth of personal training at my health club.

I am not a "exerciser" but thought hey what the hell I will give it a try. it's only one week right?

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Melissa, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Melissa waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Melissa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Melissa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Melissa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Melissa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Melissa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Melissa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Melissa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :

Melissa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Melissa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch in to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that bitch Melissa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Melissa wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Melissa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that I can still continue to lose weight without having to work out. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!