Physical Fitness my ASS

I have been trying to lose weight so I decided to get myself a week's worth of personal training at my health club.

I am not a "exerciser" but thought hey what the hell I will give it a try. it's only one week right?

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Melissa, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Melissa waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Melissa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Melissa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Melissa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Melissa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Melissa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Melissa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Melissa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :

Melissa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Melissa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch in to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that bitch Melissa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Melissa wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Melissa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that I can still continue to lose weight without having to work out. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!