Happy Period???

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products.
She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over
20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without
the
Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my
time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her
he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!


The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which
brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in
the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my
body
and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a
Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager masculine brain really think
happiness
- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the
least
bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will
never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to
jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life
in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head
out,
man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or 'Consider the implications of 25
to
life,' or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And
though
I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending bulls*t. And that's
a
promise I will keep.
Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons


Austin, TX