Why Do I Do the Things I Do?

I know you are all tired of hearing about the Rat bastard and you would think I was tired of thinking about him all the time. I am by the way. Anyway, he has a myspace and I check it periodically when apparently I need to torture myself. I checked it today and there was a message there from the skank he left for she was saying happy anniversary it has been 1 yr. and 12 month since they got together. What the fuck ever. I want to delete him from my life. Do you watch Nip/Tuck? Last week Christian and Sean were talking about a woman Sean had slept with and he was saying he didn't want to see her anymore. Christian picked up Sean's cell phone while he was talking and asked the girls name. Sean said Monica and Christian deleted her number from Sean's phone. He said there ya go and threw the phone back at Sean. Problem solved. I wish I had a Christian to delete Marshall from my memory. I know he loves her. I know this. I know she loves him too. I know this so why do I keep torturing myself? Can someone explain this to me because I am a smart girl. I need to know why I keep doing this! God I wish I knew! I need a mind sweep. It still hurts so bad. My friend Jana says 1000 days.The day I found out he was cheating on me and I kicked him out was October 9th. It is right around the corner and if I can stay sane this week then I may be alright.Give me strength Lord, please give me strength. I can't really cry to my friends anymore because they are all tired of hearing about it too. One of them told me last week it had been a year and I needed to get over it already. Geez, I wish I had thought of that. Yeh, just get over it. get over the last 10 yrs. of your life. The last wasted ten years of my life. I try so hard to maintain and feel like I do a pretty good job of it. I try to stay upbeat and busy so as not to go there but it is always there. I have tried to drink it away,smoke it away, eat it away, cry it away, and laugh it away. I don't know of anything else I can do. It just comes over me like out of no where. I know this is a going to be a very hard couple of weeks for me and I so wish it were over. I am making a promise to myself today that I so want to keep and that is not to go to his lame ass myspace page ever again. I wish wish wish he would just fade away. Just fade away from my memory. I want to be happy really I do more than anything else so why do I torture myself. I am so not over him yet! Damn damn damn!!!