I Am My Own Worst Enemy

I have been thinking about the whole Rat bastard thing. I started it by sending that e-mail. What did I hope to prove or get out of it? I guess I am not over him and he apparently is so over me he doesn't even think about me. I look back on every relationship I have ever and and I am always giving. Giving of myself in some way. It's like I feel I have to bring something to the table rather than just allowing myself to be liked or loved because I am lovable, not because of what I can do for you or give to you. I know I don't want to pursue any relationship with him at all and I wish I had not sent that e-mail but hey I did so now I am suffering the repercussions. I guess I felt like torturing myself a little. I need to be aware of the fact that I keep repeating the same pattern. Always having to do something for someone so they will love me. I have to remember this and the next time see myself being attracted to someone I will have to work hard not to be the go to person. I want someone to love me for who I am not for what I can do for them.Pretty much if I am comfortable in a relationship then it is probably not a good one. I would think a healthy relationship would feel foreign to me. I need to love me before I can expect someone else to love me. I am working on it. I blame my mother and Catholic school for all my craziness.