Open Letter

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at
the game, and you're even around at the holidays
(hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with
you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can
have much substance or necessity. Why would you make
me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact,
they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But,
why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili
sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls
& chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need
to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall
down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for
our previous evening's debauchery may be in order.
But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are
taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, tylenol)
prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn ).
The hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now and would like to ensure that we remain on
good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do
with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address
them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Aluminum

3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more vodka for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out
tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.