The Holiday Panic

I saw my therapist today. That seems funny to say or even think about having a therapist. It has the connotation that I am crazy. Which well, I am but I really don't think I'm clinically deranged. And neither am I! Anyways, we got to talking about the upcoming holidays! I am sure that this time of the year is her bread and butter season. I was saying how I am not going to go to my mom's house for the holidays because we still haven't spoken. She asked me how the holidays were as a kid growing up. When I went to live with my grandparents as a child I was sent every holiday and summer to stay with my mom. It was horrible! Everyone else was excited about holidays and summer break and I was always freaking out. I think I got to quit going when I was about 12 or 13. I was into smoking dope and dropping acid big time back then and my mom's husband the cop was all over that shit. Funny how I chose to do drugs, like a big old fuck you to him don't you think? The drugs are what actually saved me from having to keep going back there. MMMUUUHHHAAHH!!!!! Today when we talked about it, she asked me if anyone had ever bothered to check and see how I was coping with having to go back and forth like that. I told her I felt a lot like Harry Potter when he has to leave Hogwart's and go back to live with his muggle family. I do remember my aunt who is a school nurse and more of a sister to me being concerned over the fact that she had noticed I had started to repeatedly touch my thumbs to all of my fingers back and forth.I would start to do this every time it got close to going to mom's house. I guess she thought I was OCD or something but I just remember my mom blaming the drugs on the fact that I wouldn't be staying with her anymore. No wonder I kept doing them! Yeah, drugs!Once I was able to stay ome for the holidays I was harassed by another animal known as the visiting son and family.I had 3 married uncles. One of them would come down every other Christmas. The other uncle would come down the alternate Christmas. I got to hear then how lucky I was that my grandparents loved me enough to let me stay with them. Oh yeah, it was always merry fucking Christmas for me! Cut to the adult years, as a nurse I can always say I have to work the holidays sorry can't make it home. Love to all. Now that is a good holiday except you feel cheated that you don't have what you perceive as a Merry little Christmas. My best Christmas ever was once my dearly departed friend Nancy and I went down to San Antonio and stayed in a suite at the St. Anthony Hotel. We walked around on the riverwalk and had a lovely supper at a local place and then went to midnight mass at the cathedral downtown.I remember giving a homeless person my leftovers from the dinner and my friend Nancy said she was so moved that she emptied out her pockets of money. He probably got around 200 bucks and a steak dinner that night. Best we could do on such short notice. The next best Christmas I ever had was when I lived in Hawaii. For some reason I had both Christmas eve and day off. I went to the video store and got all my favorite movies, then I went to the grocery store and I got all my favorite foods and beverages. I spent the entire holiday in my nightclothes.I once told that to a nurse friend and she said she had never heard anything so sad so I quit telling people. It wasn't sad at all. It was stress free and quite comforting. I had presents to open from my friends and family I just chose to open them when I got them instead of waiting.The holidays are not all merry and bright for some people. I happen to be one of them. It is a reminder of what I lack in my life. What is missing and just for the fun of it let's do that say, every fucking year same time okay? So, that was a nice little story now wasn't it?